Just SOME of the mishaps on my wedding day. Enjoy!
We were married at a golf clubhouse. Look how nice the men's locker room is. Pretty cushy, huh?
And here's the ladies' locker room. When I made a little complaint about it, Chris, who had never been in the ladies' locker room, thought I was being a diva. He didn't know that the ladies locker room wasn't on par (har har!) with the men's until the photos from the wedding came back to us.
Look! Actual lady golfers getting ready to golf. They were (rightfully) miffed that my male photographer kept coming in.
This is my maid of honor (and my only wedding attendant) and my very best friend Brooke. It was her contact lens disinfectant that I sprayed into my eye the morning of the wedding. I can barely see out of my right eye and for every photo I'm trying to open it really wide so it looks somewhat normal. Believe it or not, but this is after spending two hours at the salon.
Here's the dress and my step-dad walking me down the aisle. The dress turned out okay despite TSA forcing me to duct tape it into a small ball to fit into the carry-on space on the aircraft. I forgot my crinoline in California, so it's a little flatter than I wanted it to be. Kind of like my hair. More on that later!
Brooding ex-girlfriend spotting #1 (of like 50). Chris' brother insisted on bringing his girlfriend and they broke up before we even got the wedding photos back. OF COURSE. Isn't that always the case?
My eye is really starting to ache here. And also... THESE PHOTOS! Bet you didn't know that I'm the queen of super flattering photos (sarcasm).
See what I mean? SUPER FLATTERING PHOTOS.
I forgot to buy a unity candle and ring bearer pillow, and didn't realize it until 2 am the morning of the wedding. It was Walmart's craft section to the rescue! Thank goodness they had 'em!
At least we got to this point. YAY!
Again... SUPER FLATTERING PHOTO OF ME. Ha. Here I'm telling my grandma that it's okay that she stood up in the middle of my wedding and shouted, "I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!" (She was overcome with emotion-- mainly regret that my grandpa couldn't travel to Atlanta for the wedding and that my dad wasn't alive to witness this "glorious" day). My aunt, in a demonic voice, growled "SIT. DOOOOOWWNNNNN!".
Brooding ex-girlfriend spotting #2. Why? WHY did we allow this? People, learn from me. When doing family portraits, girlfriends are not allowed. There needs to be a wedding ring on that finger, folks!
When flipping through the photo album I gasped when I saw this and wondered how I had a witch's nose in this photo. Again, SUPER FLATTERING PHOTOS. Note: That's a flower behind my face. NOT A HOOK NOSE.
Did I mention that my hairdresser won tickets to the Beastie Boys the night before and canceled my practice hair-do appointment? He assured me it would be okay because he had been doing hair for twenty years. It was not okay. The man was possibly hungover and didn't have a curling iron or hair-tie in his entire salon (how is this even possible?!). Brooke and I paid $170 for these 'do's. They were so undone that when I walked into the golf club my mom said, rather incredulously, "I thought you were at the salon getting your hair done?" I WAS, MOM. THIS TOOK TWO HOURS AND LOTS OF COCKTAILS, OKAY? Thanks, Beastie Boys.
My sweet girls and best friends from college. They did my Walmart run with me and kept me sane that wedding weekend. Schwan (far right) is the one who scraped my contact lens out of my eye with her thumbnail when it fused to my eye after using Brooke's disinfectant, thinking it was saline solution.
The mishaps continued after the wedding, too:
Jenay (far left) left her wallet in Schwan's car. After the wedding, Schwan drove back home to Tennessee and oops. Schwan's husband had to drive Jenay's wallet back to Atlanta at 4am the next day so Jenay could get on her flight with ID.
Also... I had accidentally booked Brooke's flight for the wrong day and we didn't catch the mistake. When Brooke got to the airport, they said, "Uh, this ticket was for yesterday." WHAT?! Thankfully the kind folks at Delta let Brooke fly-- for free-- back to California despite my mistake. My mom was on Brooke's flight and met a stranger on the plane that asked for a ride once the plane landed, and she volunteered Brooke-- without asking her! HA! What a hot mess!
This man makes me laugh. Despite all the hiccups we were giddy to be getting married after three years of dating and five years of friendship. My mother-in-law worked so hard at planning our wedding. Everything she did was amazing. Everything she left up to me and Chris... not so amazing.
Oh no! The dj must have confused my do not play list with my please play list. This is after the dj announced the father/ daughter dance. Since my dad had died, you could have heard a pin drop after the announcement. My uncle swooped in and saved me!
Trying to turn the moment into a lighthearted thing, my other uncle cut in, then all the men in the families took note and tried to do the same thing.
NOTE: I'm not winking in this photo. Again... SUPER FLATTERING PHOTOS and also my eye is hurting quite badly at this point.
My step-dad was embarrassed that I had danced with my uncle first, so here I'm trying to smooth over the tricky family drama. All in all, this dance was the most awkward and embarrassing four minutes of my adult life. It STILL makes me cringe.
Oh, cool. The bouquet toss. I'm aiming for my best friend Brooke here (far right).
But what's that? Who's that old lady in the far back left?
Oh, that's my grandma who thought that the bouquet toss at my wedding seemed like a perfectly good time to announce to everyone that she had divorced my grandpa -- after 40+ years of marriage -- the month prior. NOT EVEN JOKING. She was cute, though.
So now it's time for the garter toss. Always an awkward event.
And OF COURSE a kid catches it. A kid ALWAYS catches it. Or a recently divorced grandma.
But this man. He can shake his butt like no other. That's my HUSBAND! I am so blessed!
See you! We're going to go to the hotel and then we will realize that we're hungry and take a cab to PF Changs and then get stranded there in the rain. But first we will do the birdseed / rice goodbye!
Except, ouch. This heart shaped rice birdseed stuff I bought on the internet is really painful when it's thrown because it's HEART SHAPED and that means all those little points are hitting us like tiny, tiny arrows.
No, really. OUCH. Stop!
Okay. We're safe in the limo now. Let's get out of here.
Bye, everyone! Bye! *drives away* "WAIT! TURN AROUND! I have the keys to the rental car that Brooke is supposed to return for me!" *screech* *U-TURN*
That was a nice sendoff, but please someone find Brooke so I can give her the keys. Oops. And also, I know I'm supposed to be really happy that I'm married now, but man, I'm suddenly really SAD because I don't know when I'm going to see all my friends and family again since we all live so far away from everyone.
Okay, bye for real this time. It can only be up from here, right? RIGHT?!