A lot of people have been asking how I'm feeling about the move, ever since my Farewell, Austin post. The truth is, I'm sad and excited and scared and happy and overwhelmed. Sometimes one right after another and sometimes all at once. It's complicated. On top of this, I'm incredibly busy, trying to figure things out for TxSC, my final going away party, and packing. One of my dearest friends Mary moved from Austin to the UK only a couple months ago, and she emailed me to check in on me. I wrote the following off the cuff, in the middle of the night to her:
Packing is the worst: It's so overwhelming, looking at our house with years and years of stuff / junk sitting piled up, taunting me. In many ways I just want to say forget it and leave it all-- you know? How and why and why and why do we have so much stuff? How is this stuff so important yet so unimportant at the same time? This stuff, it's like it exists in a plane between nostalgia and a scarcity complex, so I feel compelled to take it all with me.
There's not enough time for everything: I'm thinking about how fleeting my time left here is and how many balls are still up in the air, and it's mind boggling. How do I balance packing and tying up loose ends and work and spending time with people? Why is this so dang hard?
There's a lot of doubt even though I'm sure we're making the right choice: I'm emotional because I love this city and I do not love Atlanta. I'm leaving something that feels very secure at a time when I'm at the top of my game. My web traffic is way down since I switched domains. I've lost two advertisers since I'm not fashion focused any more. And I'm leaving it all for what? For the vague feeling that somehow my family will be better off for it in the long run? I'm torn between screaming WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?! and just gritting my teeth, putting my head down, and just getting it done.
I think most of all, I'm just sad: I went on a little drive with Jena today to run errands and after she left I realized that I know no one in Atlanta near where we're looking for houses. That drives with friends won't happen for a while.... because I have no friends there. The comfort of our city group and church-- a constant / sure gathering of friends every week, something I've done for years at this point-- isn't there. I don't even have a dang house. I feel a little lost; like I have nothing to look forward to in the short of it. Once we get a house and get the kids in school and we get plugged in a church and reconnect with family, sure, sure. But immediately? I have nothing. I don't even know if I'll have a private spot / room in my day to mourn. It's mourning, right? This feels similar to mourning.
So, yeah. All that. What a bummer of a post, huh? You probably didn't come to Indiana/Elsewhere for that, but I don't know. Maybe those of you who have been here, done that can shoot me some encouraging words. I'm not a person who is often sad, so it feels weird to me, to have my eyes start stinging with tears periodically throughout the day. I'm like WHAT IS THIS LEAKING FROM MY FACE?!
On a lighter note:
1 / I had been holding on to all of Jude's old clothes and shoes in the chance that I had another baby boy. (I'm still open to that but) I was not moving seven Rubbermaid containers of his old stuff to Atlanta. I gave tons of it away to friends, gave a lot to Goodwill, and sent a giant bag to thredUP. I'll let you know how selling there works out.
2 / Speaking of selling stuff, the last few times I've sold stuff to Buffalo Exchange they have purchased the things that I took in almost as a joke. I did an experiment to see if they were still buying super outlandish stuff. Lo and behold, they bought my wolf costume and flower crown for $25 and $15, each. Not bad for things I had originally thrown in the Goodwill pile.
3 / Behold the fanciest sports drink of all time. We bought fancy water to stage our kitchen counters with, but when we packed up all the cups and glasses and I needed to rehydrate, I had no other option but to make powdered Gatoraid with Acqua Panna. Is this how the very rich live? Is this what Mariah Carey drinks at the gym?
4 / Chris and I fit the contents of a five bedroom, three bath house and a very, VERY full garage into two Pack-Rat containers. They're en route to storage. I'll be living with a small sample of belongings until we find a new house. House hunting will resume next week. In the meantime, I'm wearing the same three pairs of shorts (including these) from now until further notice. Let's hope we find a house by winter.
5 / I had my final face-to-face meeting about Texas Style Council today with my partners Melissa and Kristin. Melissa found this Girls Scout vest at Blue Hanger and had to have it. We're feeling inspired by movies like Troop Beverly Hills and can't wait to buckle down and get #TxSC15 rolled out!
6 / We move on Monday but have been staying at a hotel since Tuesday. Sharing one hotel room with three kids under three is not advisable, but what can we do?! During naps and starting at about 8pm, I'm stuck in the dark in a corner, keeping dead silent. By the grace from God, all three of the kids napped at the same time today (thank you sound machines and blackout curtains!). During nap time today, I did not want to move at all for fear of disturbing them, so for lunch I ate cold leftover noodles from dinner last night. I could not leave to find a fork, so I attempted eating in the dark, using two ballpoint pens as chopsticks. This is now for sure in the top five most pathetic moments of my life.
Someone assure me: this is just a phase. This all will pass. Right? RIGHT?!