I've been skimming some "blogger strategy guides" just to see what you with-it youngins who keep weblogs are doing these days and apparently I'm big time dropping the ball content-wise here. Apparently I need to do more lists with catchy titles like "62 crafts you can do with your preschooler today!" Apparently, if I turn my blog content into a bunch of lists, my readers will Pin the stuffing out of it and I'll become a millionaire and companies like Blue Apron will buy me private islands and cars and stuff.
Guys. I cannot. And I am a list lover! I just tried to write "50 reasons why blogging is still cool" and I felt this weird gurgling in my stomach, similar to whenever I see an Issue of Real Simple smugly shaming me from its high shelf at the grocery store checkout.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels gurgly and anxious while reading the cover of Real Simple. Let me explain:
NINETY NINE affordable ideas for home organization?! First, I don't even think KonMari has 99 methods for home organization (She's got 99 problems, but clutter ain't one). An article pointing out almost 100 ways that I've probably failed at Adulting makes me NOT want to buy the magazine. Plus, I can't trust this cover. Who only has two spools of thread and those two spools are yellow and orange and not say, black and white?
Also! Don't give me a list of 35 books to read in a summer. I'm lucky if I can get through two given the fact that the kids aren't in school and my leisure reading time is narrowed down to the scant alone time I get when I'm on the toilet. I don't think I could read 35 books in a summer even if I were Mark Watney stuck on Mars all alone, bored out of my mind, with a Martian summer twice as long as an Earth summer. Even then I still feel like I would not have enough time for 35 books.
Stress-free summer, it says... while suggesting I could throw three outdoor parties when it's 100º outside and everyone is sweaty and cranky and my metal outdoor furniture could brand a person's behind if they even think about plopping down on it. Stress-free summer, it says... while asking me if my HOUSE is making me FAT. Is it?! Is my house making me fat???! I never wondered this before until NOW. And now I'm stressed about THAT. Thanks. Stress-free summer, it says... as I try to implement 67 ideas to make EVERY day more fun. I don't know about you, but this sounds like the opposite of stress-free. If they really wanted to promote a stress-free summer, the headlines would be thus:
- "Three totally believable lies you can use to get out of work to enjoy a beach day"
- "What kind of wine goes best with take out?" and
- "67 things to add to your Netflix and Amazon Prime queue"
And woof. Did you check that lower right corner? "17 expert tricks to look great in pictures". I think two would suffice: "NO DUCK FACE" and "STOP DOING THE SORORITY SQUAT". Thank you, editors. I expect to see that in the newest issue.
Peep that title. This is THE ULTIMATE LIFE HANDBOOK (no offense, Holy Bible). 1001 ways to live better EVERY DAY. Do I need to do all 1001 of these daily or just try one a day for 2.75 years? Does the article come with a multipage supplemental checklist for these 1001 ways so I can mark them off once I've done it? 1001 seems so daunting! That's four figures, man! I would have been down with something basic like 10 or maybe even something in the low three digits, but 1001? No way, no how. It's like that time my freshman year of college that I walked into second semester pre-med biology, looked at the syllabus and immediately nope nope noped my way straight to the registrar to drop that class and change my major. I'm not that girl. I can't carry that workload.
So anyway... Indiana/Elsewhere is likely going to be weird diatribes like this one and outfit photos if I can teach my six year old how to snap a photo of me without cutting off my shoes and the top of my head. I'll do little lists occasionally, but please call me out on my ish if I start posting "101 essentials you need for your wardrobe immediately" for the repins.
For you Pinterest addicts, I made you this: